Feeling down

Today I feel like shit. And not "shit" as in "I feel kinda sucky" but "shit" as in "I feel like dog crap." I think everyone has a moment in her life when her friends turn against her for no good reason she can deduce. Usually, this happens around 8th grade. I guess there's just still drama in college.

Yesterday the girls all deccided to go take care of a group gift thing. They decided to leave while I was at work and text me informing me of their decision. I got the message after work and was told I could meet them at the mall if I wanted. I had a meeting last night. I wanted to go talk to the paper about the position of associate while they were doing some editing. I was gonna make myself dinner. I was given the ultimatem: come to the mall or you're not included in the gift anymore.

Stupid gift was important to me, so I went. I was pissed and quiet, but I went. Then I left, in the hope that I could still get to that associate chat if I got home early enough. I failed. They got home a couple hours later and didn't say hello. They headed to the bedroom, where they sat on the bed and chatted for at least 2 hours. I watched Grey's, did some homework, and took a shower. Each time I entered the room, no response. Afterward I climbed into bed to do some reading. Nothing.

So I woke up early today to talk to the shrink. Afterward, I came home. I was ignored. I eventually had to leave for class, but one of the roomies has that class with me. I told her I was going to leave and her response was, "Fine."

The rest of the day was spent in awkward silence. I decided to make an effort to figure things out a few hours ago. I got ignored. I'm supposed to be at a basketball game in a bit, but I'm not going because some people are pissed off at me for some reason. I feel like shit and have been bawling my eyes out for the past few hours. I can't talk to anyone because those people I am close to who are not them are either at work or at the game. I'm not mad; I just want some answers. I'm confused, I'm really hurt, and I still know that somehow this will all be blamed on me.

I really want to go home right now. I would, but I have to work tomorrow. I came within inches of trying to find someone to cover for me, just so I could leave. I called Faddy but he didn't answer the phone. I am going to die. This is one of those moments for which suicide was invented. I have never felt so shitty in my life. Good thing I'm not the dying type, or I might seriously consider jumping off the Gilman Parking Structure. If you read this, I don't need help. I won't ever try to kill myself.

I can't seem to function right now, which really bites because I need to do some homework. Instead I will apparently just sit here and wait...because I can't face the rejection right now at the game. That'll probably be turned against me too. Like, you didn't even want to come hang out with us. Well if they'd seen me sobbing for the past few hours, maybe things would be different. Doubtful, but there's a chance.

I wonder if Grandma's home yet. Maybe I should go see her. I told my mom I could go to the work party but I've reached the point where I really don't want to do anything but sit here in a robe with a ccup of cocoa and cry. Too bad I'm not even wearing a robe. Or drinking cocoa. Damn.

It's not like I don't have other friends. It's just that those girls are the ones I'm close to. I can't talk to someone else because there is no one else to talk to. I just want to go home. I am so done with this whole school thing.

Plus I may be PMSing. And Jacob's doing worse and Grandpa's in the hospital sedated and restrained.

And I may have missed out on my chance at associate because I had to meet them to deal with that gift.

And I cancelled some stuff Saturday to do the gift then. Thank God I could still reschedule that.

Wow, so writing this really helped me cool down a bit. At least I'm not sobbing anymore. I should go fix my make-up before the wrong person walks in on me. God, I hate this.